Things Unspoken
by Violet

shyviolet@gmail.com


Some days were harder than others. Some, it felt as if the world was caving in around him, that he couldn't breathe for fear of choking, that every moment waking was another where he felt the pain. And others... Remus could almost remember that he hadn't died with Sirius.

He tried to keep a brave face for Harry, whom he could tell was taking it just as badly, if not worse. The poor boy had a terribly powerful misplaced feeling of guilt that no one seemed to be able to wrench from his grasp. Even worse, he was trapped at that house with the Dursleys all summer, where there was no one with whom to share his pain. His letters were laced with repressed grief, the kind that Lupin knew must be eating him alive from the inside out.

He'd felt the same thing once, when he'd lost all of his best friends in one foul blow. James, Lily, Peter... all dead. And Sirius... well, he may as well have been. Remus was the only one left, left with his own pain that threatened to consume him. With Voldemort gone and the Order disbanded, there had been nowhere to go other than inside himself. For years he had been aimless in his wanderings, avoiding company as he avoided the moon. The only light in those bleak times had been the development of the Wolfsbane potion, which cured his madness but not his loneliness.

Of course, eventually the world had turned upside down for him again - that fateful night in the Shrieking Shack when not one but two of his friends, in his eyes, were raised from the dead. Even though by the end of the night he had lost another one - forever, this time, he knew - the knowledge that Sirius was alive and well and not permanently lost to him was enough to sustain him through the disappointment of losing his position at Hogwarts, where he had finally felt happy and truly useful.

But now he knew that he had been wrong. Because Sirius was lost to him forever, and he felt his death even more sharply than he had felt James'. Just when he'd had him back...

Remus shook his head sharply, disallowing himself to embark upon this pattern of self -pity for yet another lonely evening. He stood, straightened his robes, and left his room.

Sitting in the kitchen was Tonks, purple hair spilling over her shoulders as she moved her hand in a slow circle, idly stirring a teaspoon inside a cup of hot cocoa. After Sirius' death, his cousin had inherited the house. She wasn't the closest living relative to the late Mrs. Black, but no one else in the family had been interested in the house, and had been quite surprised when she was. It was a gift, their being able to keep the Order headquarters at Grimmauld Place. Though for Remus, it just seemed a constant reminder. The air still smelled like him.

"Can't sleep either?" he asked softly from behind her.

"Not unusual, these nights," she said, and pointed her wand at the chair across the table. It slid out and Remus sat down.

"Cocoa?" she asked, and without waiting for a reply, a few well placed flicks of her wand brought a mug dancing out of the cupboard and a ladle from the pot on the stove meeting it halfway before gracefully alighting on the table in front of him.

"Thank you," he said, and the warmth after a sip glowed through his veins. "It's just cocoa?" he asked.

"Just a drop of firewhiskey," she admitted, her eyes hiding behind purple strands. "Anything to help me sleep these days. I've considered asking Snape to brew me a potion, but I keep imagining the look he'll give me, and I'm still quite frightened of him really, no matter how long I've been out of school."

"I know what you mean," Remus said, taking another sip. He stretched his legs out under the table. He wore no shoes, and his left big toe stuck out from a hole in his sock.

"How are..." The words died on her lips, as if she realized the pointlessness of her question.

"How am I?" He sighed. "The same, I suppose. And restless. Getting more so each day. I think I know how he must have felt, being cooped up in this house all the time."

"Still no luck finding a job, I suppose," Tonks commented, looking into her cup.

"No. And there's only so much I can do for the Order during the day. My hands are aching for decent work. I feel like some sort of... leper."

She was quiet for a moment. "I miss him too," she said finally.

He watched her eyes drop down. "I know."

Her eyes didn't leave the spoon as she spoke, just followed its lazy circle. "I had such a crush on him when I was a kid. Until my mum explained that we were, you know, family..."

Remus couldn't help but smile. "I'm sure you weren't the only one. He's just the type to leave a trail of broken hearts behind him."

"There is just... was just something about him, you know? A youthful energy. He could seem like a man and a boy at the same time. " She looked sad. "It must be so hard on you, to lose him twice."

"He was my best friend."

He could hear the sound of her feet shuffling under the table. "I was worried about you."

He sighed. "I was too."

"We... we don't think you're weak, you know."

Ah, so she'd said it. The unspoken affirmation - that even though he'd practically locked himself in his room for two weeks, they didn't think any less of him. Well, that was all fine and good, but it didn't stop him from thinking less of himself.

"We all know what it's like to lose someone," Tonks continued, still not meeting his eyes. "But... I'm not sure any of us knows what it's like to lose everyone."

He looked up at her.

She stood, put a hand on his arm. "I'm going to try to get some sleep. You should too."

He nodded. "Good night, Tonks... thank you."

"Good night, Remus."

He watched her ascend the stairs, and then stood and put their mugs into the sink. Clumps of chocolate lined the bottom like tealeaves. When he peered inside he saw no future.

*****

"I see you've decided to crawl out of your hole this morning, Lupin."

Remus looked down wearily as he descended the stairs into the foyer where Snape stood, sneering. "I'm surprised to see you out in daylight, Severus," he said, his voice even. "Shouldn't you be in a coffin somewhere?"

"Don't even start with me, you - "

"Don't you two have anything better to do than bicker like first year boys?" Molly Weasley appeared from the kitchen, holding two steaming cups of tea.

"Thank you, Molly," Remus said, taking one of the cups from her.

Snape shook his head, curling his lip distastefully.

"Oh, it wasn't for you," Molly said, taking a sip out of the remaining cup. "I know you don't touch the stuff."

"Far too civilized," Remus murmured.

Snape shot him a venomous glare. "Should you really be one to speak of civilized? When's the last time you sat back on your haunches and howled at the moon in a bloodthirsty rage? Oh, that's right... just a few nights ago, was it not?"

Remus opened his mouth to reply, but Molly cut him off. "You two are worse than my children! Now quit your squabbling and get into the meeting room before I have to put you both over my knee."

They stared at her.

"Now!"

"Why do we suddenly have meetings in the mornings?" Remus sighed as they made their way to the back of the house.

"Hogwarts is out of session for the summer," Snape answered, his tone icily condescending. "Surely you must remember that from back when you actually had a job?"

Molly shot them a warning look as she opened the door and they all stepped inside.

The tone of the Order meetings had changed slightly since that night in the Department of Mysteries. They seemed to have more purpose, more focus, and it was to protect Harry. This was even more so than they had done before, and Remus imagined that Harry was a bit put off by the whole thing. Luckily, the Order members who were assigned as guard were usually discreet - in theory, he shouldn't have even been aware of their presence. But Remus was sure that the boy knew. And it must have been upsetting - to be watched all the time, particularly at that age when privacy seems so important.

Remus remembered not so long ago when it seemed as if they were all watching him. Not the same way as with Harry, of course - but eyes bored into the back of his head just the same. They were studying him very carefully for signs of a mental breakdown, he knew. They tiptoed around him as if afraid of breaking something. Well, he gave them no such scene as an emotional collapse but did, as Snape had suggested earlier, lock himself up in his hole for several weeks. There he did what any man would do, who had lost all of his friends - for the second time. He moped.

Of course, now that everyone seemed to have satisfied themselves that he was not suicidal, they had started treating him normally again. And this, probably more so than the tapering of his grief, was what caused him to begin acting normally again. At least - as normally as could be expected now that he was unemployed and had no one to keep him company.

They had been and still were, after all, purposely keeping him off of guard duty. He wasn't sure of the exact reasoning behind this - probably fear that the combined power of his and Harry's grief simply by proximity would be too much for anyone to bear.

At the meeting he was given some menial task, the usual as of late, and when it was over he made a decision. He couldn't continue to let the grief consume him or he would be reduced to the aimless, useless person he was for that long twelve years. He couldn't do that again.

He needed some fucking closure.

*****

"I could get in so much trouble for this," Tonks grumbled.

"You're not doing anything wrong here," Remus pointed out as they made their way through a corridor on one of the lower floors of the Ministry. "You're just pointing something out to me. And if you're worried about the Order... well, I promise I'll tell Dumbledore that I put you under Imperius if he finds out and gets hacked off."

"That's not funny," she shot back with a slight glare.

"Sorry, Tonks," he said seriously, putting a hand on her arm. "I really do appreciate this, you know that."

"Yeah," she sighed. "And I have no idea what you're planning on doing, but I still think that whatever it is, it's a very bad idea. And this is the last one. After this, you'll have to figure it out on your own."

"You'll just have to trust me."

"Yes, well, the other one didn't even talk to you once you introduced yourself, did he?"

Remus frowned. "I know; I'm quite confused about that... all I did was give him my name and he practically ran in the other direction."

She didn't respond to that, because she was suddenly peering down the hallway ahead of them. "There," she said softly, "Coming out of that office. She's another one."

Remus followed her eyes to a short woman with long hair pulling out her wand to lock the door behind her. "You're sure?" he asked.

"I'm sure." Tonks looked at him for a moment. "Now, I'm going to leave. I don't know what you're going to do now, and I don't really want to know. Just..." Her eyes softened. "Let me know if you need me for anything."

"You've done more than enough, Tonks - thank you." He watched her nod and disappear down the hallway, then fixed his eyes on the woman who was approaching.

"Excuse me." His voice was soft, almost as whisper as soon as she walked by him, but she jumped as if he'd shouted in her ear.

"Wha - me? Oh... yes?" she stammered, rooting her feet to the spot where he'd stopped her.

"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to startle you," Remus said quickly as he discreetly examined the jumpy woman. She wore simple gray robes that were slightly too long, and she had the anxious look of someone who likely did a lot of tripping over them. Dark hair hung somewhat scraggly to her waist and red glasses framed the biggest pair of eyes he had ever seen. She wasn't particularly pretty, but her appearance was pleasantly interesting.

"Yes?" she repeated, waving a hand in front of his face, and he realized that he must have been staring.

He apologized again and then stuck out a hand. "I'm Remus Lupin."

"Audrey Glicken." She shook his hand, smiled sincerely, and added, "So is this part of a new meet-and-greet program? Starting at the basement and working your way up?"

"Ah, no, I..."

"Didn't think so. The Minister doesn't seem to care much for werewolves these days; I doubt he would have chosen you as an ambassador."

Remus blinked. "How did you know I'm a werewolf?"

She shrugged. "It's my job to know. Well, nice to meet you, Remus Lupin."

She started walking back down the hallway, and after only a moment's hesitation he matched a stride to hers. He began to speak, but she beat him to it, her voice hushed.

"Technically speaking, I'm not supposed to be talking to you," she said, still staring straight ahead at her path. "However, you've made a clumsily wise decision in whom to approach. I'm going to turn at this next corridor and you're not to follow me. Wait twenty minutes and then apparate to Diagon Alley. Across the street from the entrance is a Muggle ice cream parlor. I'll be sitting in the back with something chocolate." Her eyes turned up to his only briefly, and she added, "And ditch the robes first; you wouldn't want to draw attention."

He had just managed to digest her words when she made an abrupt turn down another hallway, and he had to stop himself from following her. Well, she certainly didn't look like a take-charge type of witch, but appearances could be deceiving - reminded him a bit of Tonks, actually, though he couldn't say exactly why.

It seemed like a bad idea, really - a secret rendezvous with an Unspeakable.

Twenty-three minutes later, he walked into an establishment called "What's The Scoop" and scanned its patrons for Audrey Glicken. It took him a few moments because, whereas she was sitting in a back corner with a rather large hot fudge sundae, her hair was short and bright red rather than long and dark brown.

He sat down across from her and raised an eyebrow. "I thought we were supposed to be inconspicuous."

She ran a finger through the fiery strands. "Have you seen the people in Muggle London lately?"

Squinting at her, he added, "Are you a..."

"Like your friend Tonks? No, I'm not." She licked the back of her spoon. "It's a glamour."

"How do you know me?" He found himself staring at her in fascination; there was something very mesmerizing about the way she was handling that chocolate, not to mention the fact that at the moment she seemed to be omnipotent.

"Well, I suppose a big part of it is," she began, pushing her glasses farther up on her nose, "when I'm told that I'm to avoid someone at all costs, my curiosity gets the best of me and naturally I go about learning everything about them that I can."

"You were told to avoid me?"

"Well, not just you. Mr. Potter as well. But, it's not as if I have to do extensive research on him, is it?"

She made a good point. "And I suppose you know why?" he asked, sliding back in his chair slightly.

She mimicked his earlier lifted eyebrow. "I'm sure you know the answer to that, Mr. Lupin. Why did you approach me at the Ministry today?"

"Because I..." Lying was briefly considered and then the notion discarded, as she obviously knew much more than he did. "Because I want you to tell me about the Veil."

"And that is exactly why I'm not supposed to be talking to you." She slipped the spoon into her mouth again and he could hear the metal click softly against her teeth.

"But you are talking to me," he pointed out. "So obviously there is more to this."

"Do you know why we're called Unspeakables, Mr. Lupin?" she asked suddenly, her spoon clanking against the table as she set it down.

"I suppose it's... er, because you can't speak about your job. In the Department of Mysteries."

"Very true. And so how is it that I'm able to talk to you?"

"Well, Miss Glicken -"

"Audrey."

"Audrey. You haven't told me anything yet." He frowned.

"Bingo. Because there's nothing for me to tell. I know about as much of the Veil as you do." She shrugged slightly with an apologetic smile.

He looked at her in disbelief. "Then - then what is this all about?" His voice was raised, and she shushed him.

"Do you have any idea how much trouble I could get in for this?" she hissed. "Even though I'm not technically going against my employment contract - couldn't anyway, it's magically bound - I'm sure they would fire me before I could blink if they knew I was talking to you about these things."

"Then why are you helping me?" Remus assumed this was a better question at the moment than what he really wanted to ask - how she was helping him, or if she even was.

"Because some things are more important than employment." Her eyes softened under the red glasses, her expression suddenly sad. "Just because something is in the good graces of the Ministry doesn't make it right. This is becoming more apparent now that the return of You-Know-Who has been admitted, but I've been realizing it for a while now. Luckily my particular function in the Department doesn't generally send me into questionable territory."

"What do you do?" Remus interrupted.

She hesitated. "I work with Time Turners. That's all I can tell you, so don't bother to ask." He nodded, and she continued. "I suppose you're wondering how the Ministry even knows about what happened with the Veil?"

He blinked, realizing that the thought hadn't even occurred to him. "Do they know who was involved?" he asked quickly, the gears grinding in his mind. Sirius was still a wanted man, after all - why would anyone have told the Ministry? They must have found out some other way...

She nodded. "Sirius Black."

A knot in his stomach formed at the mention of the name. "Sirius. But... how...?"

Ignoring his question, she peered at him for a moment and asked quietly, "Sirius was your... lover?"

He stared at her, mouth open.

"Boyfriend?" she corrected quickly.

"No!" The denial came out more adamant than he intended, but the question had caught him completely off guard. "I mean - no. He was my best friend. But we weren't - well. We were friends."

A slight flush crept onto her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she murmured, spinning the spoon around on the table absently with her fingers. "It was just the way you said his name, and your coming to me, I thought..." She raised her eyes briefly to his and there was an expression in them that he thought he recognized as - relief?

"It's okay," Remus assured her, gathering his thoughts again. "You just took me by surprise, that's all. Now, please - tell me how you know about Sirius."

She nodded, still nervously fiddling with the spoon, but her eyes locked on his now. "The department of mysteries is very important and very secretive, Remus." She hesitated slightly as if embarrassed she had used his first name, but he smiled encouragingly at her and she continued. "We have a record of everything that goes on there. The entire battle is displayed in something sort of like a penseive - we developed it ourselves, of course - so it wasn't very difficult to identify everyone there. Including You-Know-Who and Sirius Black."

"So the Ministry knows that he fell behind the Veil. And they pinpointed Harry and myself as the ones deranged enough by grief to do something crazy like try to contact an Unspeakable." He smiled sourly.

"Exactly." She started to say something else, but suddenly the spoon in her hand began to glow, giving off slight warmth. She dropped it and looked at Remus. "I charmed it to let me know when half an hour was up. If I don't get back people will notice I'm missing." She pulled a piece of parchment out of her pocket and handed it to him. "We shouldn't meet in public anymore. Come to this address tonight around nine o'clock. I'm sorry to have to be so secretive, but we must be careful."

He nodded and watched as she stood, nearly knocking over her chair in the process.

"Goodbye, Remus," she murmured, but before she could walk away he grabbed her hand.

"Thank you, Audrey," he said quietly, and noticed the blush that came to her cheeks as she simply nodded, pulled her hand out of his grasp, and hurried out of the ice cream parlor.

*****

A new moon hung low in the sky, but Remus could tell that Molly Weasley was going through the lunar calendar in her head that evening after dinner. Not that he could blame her - the symptoms were there. He was distracted and jumpy, avoiding eye contact with everyone and completely lacking in appetite. He wondered if his face had that tired, drawn, shortly-before-the-full-moon pallor.

His meeting with Audrey Glicken had simply left him with too much to mull over, to fret about, to hope about. His mind had started racing with possibilities the moment she left and hadn't taken its feet off the pavement since. Now he had less than an hour before he should leave to meet her again, and still his thoughts wouldn't quiet.

"I made some tea," came a cheerful voice from the door of the study, and he looked up to see Molly Weasley with two cups that were giving off the strong scent of orange and cinnamon scented black tea.

He smiled, waved her inside. "Just what I needed," he said appreciatively upon taking one from her. Inhaling the aroma made him breathless with a sudden memory - of a young Sirius peeling an orange with his fingernails, bare legs swinging over the side of the lake while throwing in bright fleshy chunks of peel and teasing Remus with promises to lure the squid out of its hiding place.

"Remus, are you feeling all right this evening?"

The familiar kindness arrested him in reality. "I'm fine, really," he answered quickly. "Just lost in thought I suppose; I seem to have a lot on my mind this evening."

She nodded. "Anything you want to talk about?"

He started to decline, but suddenly had a flash of something and found himself instead asking, "Molly, did you... I mean, did you ever think that Sirius and I were - " He paused, searching for the right word. "Together?" He imagined the blush creeping onto his cheeks was enough indication of his meaning.

She didn't appear to be startled by his question, but seemed to consider it carefully before answering. "No," she finally replied. "I never thought. But I did hope."

"You... hoped?"

"It was clear that you loved each other very much," Molly continued quietly, settling into the chair beside him. "As friends, of course. But you were both so lonely for so long - it seemed as if finding comfort in something more than friendship would have been good for both of you. But..." She looked at him sadly. "Why bring this up now, Remus? It's in the past. Thinking about such things now can't possibly be healthy."

"I was just... thinking." He checked the time again, and then turned back to her. "I have something to attend to," he said, not meeting her eyes. "Thank you for the tea, Molly."

As he left the room, he could feel her pity filling the empty space that his presence had once occupied.

*****

The address was not difficult to find. It led to a small brick building on a quiet street, the number indicating a door on the third floor with a mat out front embroidered with yellow flowers and a cursive "Welcome." He wondered if she lived there, and if so, what an Unspeakable was doing in a Muggle flat.

She offered no immediate answers, but her eyes lit up when he arrived, and she ushered him into a breakfast room where a steaming pot of tea sat primly on a polished wood table. "I wasn't sure what kind you liked," Audrey admitted, hiding suddenly shy blue eyes behind her large glasses. "So it's just good old-fashioned English tea."

"Thank you." Remus took a cup from her, wondering what it was about him that compelled everyone to offer him tea. He also had a strange feeling churning in the pit of his stomach as he looked at her. As twisted as it seemed given the circumstances, something about the way she regarded him made him feel as if he were on a date.

"I suppose I should get right down to it." Her tone was reluctant. "What I'm going to tell you is probably going to get me fired, if not arrested. But, that is a risk I'm willing to take." She took a deep breath and plowed on, not waiting for his response.

"Sirius isn't dead," she said.

"What?" He set the teacup on the table, not trusting his shaking hand. Given their previous conversation he had expected her to announce something to this effect, but hearing it put so bluntly...

"He's not dead, neither is he behind the Veil. He is in a secure cell at the Ministry under constant guard. I haven't seen him myself, but I've been told that he is being treated humanely."

"But - but - " There were so many questions that he couldn't possibly think what to ask first, even if his tongue had been able to form words in his current state of shock.

"I know that this must seem incredible..." Audrey sounded lost, as if she had made an attempt to plan out her speech ahead of time and was now searching for forgotten words. "I can do my best to explain, but I don't know how comforting my answers will be to you."

"Please," he pleaded quietly. "Try."

After a short intake of breath, she began. "I don't know much about the Veil myself, but I do know that it's very mysterious and that even the Unspeakables who work with it don't fully understand it. I also know that Sirius is the first person to ever fall into it alive." She paused. "And he was alive - the images were studied to determine whether Bellatrix Lestrange's blow could have actually killed him, and it's doubtful. So imagine the astonishment of those working in the Department of Mysteries when, the next day - after you had all gone and the pieces were picked up from the battle with You-Know-Who - Sirius climbed out of the Veil."

"He just... climbed out?"

"Yes. And that was definitely something that had never been done before. Only a small group of Unspeakables and an even smaller group of very high Ministry officials knew of the incident, and their opinions of what to do were obviously divided. There were those who would have simply sent him straight off to Azkaban..."

"Fudge," Remus muttered bitterly.

She nodded. "There were others, however, that saw the potential for an important piece of discovery. Sirius was the only person alive who knew what lay beyond the Veil, and they couldn't allow his soul to be sucked out before he told them. The only compromise that those in power would allow was for him to be kept under locked guard at the Ministry while they conducted their interviews and research."

"Research?" Remus paled. "What - like a lab rat?"

"I - I don't know, exactly. As I told you, it's not the work that I do. I haven't been allowed near him."

Remus imagined Sirius locked in another cage and was sickened by the thought of what it must be doing to him, after that brief taste of almost-freedom he had been granted. He couldn't help but have the sourly amusing thought that Sirius would no longer complain about being stuck inside Grimmauld Place when all of this was over.

Would it be over? "How is that no one knows about this?" he demanded sharply. "If Dumbledore knew, he'd already have him out!"

"That's exactly why no one knows. Why we haven't been allowed to talk to you. Even if Sirius is still a wanted criminal in the eyes of the Ministry, Fudge suspects that Dumbledore would find a way to free him anyway. The events three years ago involving Peter Pettigrew are on file, along with Dumbledore's support of this as evidence of Sirius' innocence. Very few have seen the file, but I am one of them. It is why I am talking to you now; I cannot imagine anything more horrible than for a wrongly imprisoned man to be imprisoned again."

Remus saw the genuine sadness in her eyes, and was surprised and moved by the fact that she seemed to find the issue so deeply personal. Something suddenly occurring to him, he asked, "But if only a few of the Unspeakables know of this, and the Veil isn't your department, then how is it that you know?"

"Because..." She sighed. "Because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was walking through the Department floor when he emerged from the Veil. I saw him."

"You were there? Was he okay? I mean, did he look..."

"I don't like to have to relate this to you, Remus, but it was somewhat nightmarish. He had only been back there for, what? A day? But he looked like a man who had been wandering in the desert for weeks... his face was white as bone and his eyes had a haunted, frantic look in them that terrified me when I saw him. It took me a moment to realize that he was a man instead of some sort of..." Her voice trailed off and she looked apologetically at Remus. "I'm sorry - I can see this is upsetting you."

"No, Audrey - please, go on. I need to hear it."

"You asked me before why I thought you and Sirius were lovers; well, there was another reason. When he came out, he only said one thing, and it was your name - torn from his lips in anguish as if he had been searching for a lifetime and never found you. I started to go to him, but it was then that more Unspeakables noticed what had happened, and they ushered me away. It was only through my constant prodding that I was able to find out what happened to him."

There were so many questions, so many things to say and think, that Remus was at a loss for where to begin. He couldn't even tell what were the more powerful emotions - anger or joy, sadness or hope, fear or relief. He looked at his hands. After a moment, he saw another join his, and the warmth radiated into his body from her touch.

"I feel as if I've brought you joyous news at a great price," Audrey said softly, almost in a whisper. "He is alive, but has been through so much more pain than when you left him, and now you may not even be able to get him back..."

"We'll get him back." His voice was sharp.

She was silent for a moment. "I will help you, if I can."

He was suddenly very aware of her skin against his. "Why are you doing this, Audrey? I know that you feel that what the Ministry is doing is wrong, but you're risking everything if you help me more than you already have."

Her face contorted into something like frustration, as if she were forcing herself to keep in something that she desperately wanted to say. Finally, her features relaxed and she blurted, "I think I love you."

That was not what he had expected to hear. "What?" he stammered, pulling his hand away from hers quickly, as if had turned to hot coals.

"Gods, I'm sorry, Remus," she mumbled, shaking her head. "You're going to think I'm completely mad because, after all, you've just met me. What you don't realize is, it's been months since I met you."

"What are you talking about?"

"When those working with the Veil realized that I knew about Sirius anyway, they decided to put me to use so that they wouldn't have to pull anyone else in and reveal the secret. My job, for a while, was to spy on you and make sure that you and no one else in your group realized that Sirius had returned."

His eyes widened. "You've been spying on me?"

She nodded. "After I read nearly every written document that's ever been recorded about you. I probably know you better that you do, Remus. I can tell you the time of day you were born, the hospital they took you to when the werewolf bit you, the children you rode on the train with when you first came to Hogwarts, the women - and men - you lived with in the years after James and Lily were killed..."

"You can stop there." His voice caught in the back of his throat, choked on his own tongue.

"And I've been watching you," she whispered, lowering her eyes. "All summer, until a few weeks ago. I'm very good at my job. You never even suspected."

"But - Grimmauld Place?"

"I'm very good at my job," she repeated. "I'm sorry, Remus. I really am - but it's what they needed me to do, and I didn't know when I started that you were... I mean, I certainly didn't expect to..." Wetness appeared at the corners of her eyes. "I requested a change of assignment, and they sent me back to my own department. It was eating away at me, not being able to tell you what I knew, but I was just too scared. Perhaps as much of meeting you as of the more serious consequences. But I knew when I saw you this morning that I couldn't turn you away."

He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think, not about this. How could this happen? He found out Sirius was alive, and that a woman he barely knows has fallen in love with him, all within the course of a day. It was too much to process, too much to handle at that moment. He stood, pushing his chair away from the table.

Audrey followed, and took a tentative step towards him, saying, "I don't know what I am anymore, Remus. I've spoken everything I cannot speak. I've betrayed my craft. And all I know now is that I love you, and you probably hate me."

"Of course I don't hate you."

She was closer still, and her hand reached out to the front of his shirt, as if she were grasping for life. "It's ridiculous, I know," she murmured. "And I'm so selfish, thinking about my own feelings when I've just told you your best friend has come back from the dead. I just can't help it, I'm sorry." When he didn't pull away, she moved in to him and pressed her head against his chest.

He instinctively wrapped his arms around her. "You're not any more selfish than I am," he said. "I've been thinking of no one but myself ever since Sirius left."

"That's not true," she sniffed. "I know what you've been thinking about. I've been watching you."

"As well as you may think you know me by watching and reading, Audrey, you don't know what goes on inside my head," he replied somewhat sharply.

"I wish I knew what was going on in your head now." She looked up at him, her eyes dry but slightly red.

When she lifted her face and closed her eyes, and her lips pressed softly against his, he could only kiss her back. Not doing so never even occurred to him, but even in the midst of the gentle, insistent embrace, he wasn't thinking of her.

He finally pulled away. "No," he said.

She looked as if he had struck her. "No?"

He shook his head, taking a step backward. "I'm sorry, Audrey. I'm in love with someone else." Not until he said the words did he even realize that he'd been thinking them, and not until he processed their meaning did he realize that it was true. He stared at her, and repeated himself as if in disbelief. "I'm in love with someone else."

She bit her lip and nodded, and he was amazed by her sudden calm. "That's the one answer I can take," she said, "Because it's the one I've been expecting all along."

He slumped back into the chair, unable to trust the stability of his legs any longer. "How did you know, Audrey? How did you know that I loved him before I knew?" He thought back to Molly. "How did everyone know?"

"I'm sure there's some lovely clichŽ for this situation," Audrey mused, picking up the teacup and spinning it absently around in her hand. "Something about the forest and the trees, I think."

"Are you... okay?"

She chuckled. "Not really, but I will be. And I'll be even better when I help you get back the man that you love."

"You'd do that? When you..."

"Yes," she interrupted. "I will." Pausing for a moment, she added, "There isn't always a happy ending for everyone, Remus. If I had found mine in this story, then you wouldn't have found yours."

"You're a remarkable woman, Audrey."

She smiled. "Well. That red-haired gentleman I've seen you speak with on occasion is pretty cute."

*****

Remus understood why Dumbledore insisted he not go along on the rescue mission. He understood, but that didn't mean he had to like it. While Moody, Kingsley, Bill, and - yes, even Audrey - were at the Ministry risking themselves to retrieve Sirius, Remus was stuck at Grimmauld Place with Molly Weasley, who was pouring tea down his throat and trying to make small talk.

"Tell me again about this Unspeakable," she said, putting another chocolate covered biscuit onto the plate in front of him. "She sounds like a very nice girl."

He had, of course, already related the entire story to most of the Order who had been called to an emergency meeting that morning - leaving out the part about Audrey fancying herself in love with him, obviously. Dumbledore had then gone to the Ministry to meet with her privately. Remus had no idea exactly what it was they discussed, but he suspected it had to do with her career options. Her resignation from the Ministry would be a given if they were successful tonight, even if she couldn't be specifically implicated. It seemed as if the Order had just gained a new and valuable member.

Deciding to humor Molly, however, Remus gave her a quick rundown of Audrey's character traits, and when he came to an age estimation he could almost see the wheels turning in her head concerning her elder single sons. He almost expected something like, "So, does she have good child bearing hips?" to follow, and was relieved when the line of questioning ended there. He decided it best not to mention Audrey's flippant comment about Bill from the previous evening.

Molly thankfully said nothing specific about Sirius, and Remus wondered if she could tell how nervous he was. His hand shook slightly every time he picked up the teacup and his eyes darted to the door at every small sound resonating from elsewhere in the house. He could even admit to himself - though not to Molly or anyone else - that his anxiety was not merely dependent on Sirius' safe return. His revelation the night before unnerved him to no end; Sirius would be back, and Remus loved him. He loved him - his best friend. Even though he could think the words now, he had no idea what they meant.

So when the quiet voice came suddenly from the doorway, he was as unsurprised as unprepared. "I was going to take a shower first, but they seemed to think you wouldn't appreciate the wait."

He looked the same. Slightly worse than when he'd left, but better than when he had emerged from Azkaban. He wore simple black robes, slightly tattered from over-wear, and a smirk suggestive of his younger days. But his eyes were weary and his voice was strained.

"Padfoot," Remus breathed.

Sirius was flanked by the members of his rescue party, one of whom was studiously avoiding Remus' gaze. Remus ignored them. He stood, crossed the room in two short strides, and embraced Black like a lover.

The difference was subtle, and Remus suspected that the two women in the room were the only ones who caught it, including the receiver of the embrace. When they parted, Sirius smiled at him like a thirsty man overlooking an oasis and said, "I never thought I'd be so happy to see this bloody house."

Moody cleared his throat. "We'll talk in the morning, Sirius. You can expect quite the interrogation to be sure."

Sirius paled slightly. "I'm quite familiar with those now."

"Tomorrow then," Bill interrupted, preventing Moody from shoving his foot farther up his throat.

Sirius turned, his eyes darting quickly between those assembled, and rested them on Audrey. "Thank you again." His voice was quiet, almost apologetic.

She nodded, as if she didn't trust her own voice, and Remus could tell that she was still avoiding his gaze. For someone he knew so little, knowing that he had caused her any amount of pain was surprisingly upsetting. He started to say something to her, but was preempted by Bill.

"Come on, Audrey," he said kindly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'll see you back to your flat."

Molly beamed.

It was only a few moments later that Sirius and Remus were left alone in the room. The silence that followed was finally broken by Remus, who asked softly, "Are you okay? I mean - I guess you're not okay..." Good one, he thought irritably. The man died and came back to life, then spent two months locked up and poked and prodded. I'm sure he's doing just great.

"I'm much better now." His tone was as uninformative as his words.

"What did they..."

"I'd rather not talk about it right now if you don't mind, Moony. I'm sure that I'll have plenty of time to rehash the whole bloody horrible ordeal tomorrow." He was quiet for a moment, and then his eyes softened and he added, "There was one thing that I wanted to tell you though."

"Oh?" Remus was suddenly keenly aware that they were only standing about a foot apart.

"I don't remember much," Sirius admitted, slumping into the chair that Remus had occupied earlier. "After I fell, that is. It's even more of a blur now..." His features suddenly contorted in frustration. "Even though they wouldn't believe that no matter now many times I told them. Seem to think I hold the secrets of the afterlife locked away in this clumsy brain. Goddamn intellectual gits..." He paused. "Sorry."

Remus nodded, kneeling beside him and resting his forearms on the chair.

"Anyway. You know how they say that your life flashes before you eyes? Just before you die? Well, that's what I wanted to tell you."

"What? Did you get the flash?"

"Not really. I mean, not what I would have expected..." Sirius' eyes swept down to his hands in his lap. "All I remember thinking, Moony, was how much I didn't want to leave you."

There was dead silence for nearly half a minute before Remus managed to choke out, "Me?"

Sirius swallowed, his discomfort clinging to the air around him. "Gods, Remus, I'm sorry to dump this on you right away but I promised myself that if I ever got out of that bloody cage I'd tell you the truth... I don' t think I even realized it until I was yanked away from you..."

"What is the truth, Sirius?"

It seemed that Sirius was so occupied with his own anxiety that he didn't even notice that Remus' arm had slid from the chair to rest comfortably against his own. "I think I'm fucking in love with you, Moony. How's that for a dramatic entrance?" He laughed sourly. Then, he looked down and saw the place where their skin touched, then back up to meet Remus' eyes. His expression changed to one of shocked realization.

Remus lunged.

He was looming over Sirius in less than a second, his hand clamped on shoulders. And when their mouths touched, it was if a fire was lit underneath them and it melted all lingering reservations. Remus thought it was the best kiss of his life, and when he pulled away he could tell with every bit of modesty that Sirius thought so as well.

"Why didn't we do that twenty years ago?" Remus asked, touching his fingers to swollen lips.

"We probably wouldn't have left the dormitory ever again," Sirius replied with an amused smile. Hooking his fingers into the other man's shirt, he pulled him down so that Remus was straddling him. "So what does this mean?"

"It means I'm very glad that you're back." Remus pressed his lips to the left side of Sirius' throat. "Because I love you too."

"Interesting how I had to die for us to figure this out."

"Sometimes you need a little... push." Remus' thoughts turned briefly to Audrey, and then he shoved it into the back of his mind. She would be fine. And so would he, now.

"And now that I'm alive and we're in love, we live happily ever after?" Sirius lifted his hand and ran it affectionately through Remus' hair.

"Not necessarily forever," Remus admitted, leaning forward and murmuring the words into a welcoming ear. "But for now, yes. Not all stories have happy endings for everyone, but this one has one for us."

"Well, then. The end. And happily ever after."

Neither one of them came up for air long enough to notice Molly Weasley step into the room briefly. But the bed in Remus' room was turned down when they got there, and two sets of robes were hung pristinely from a hook on the door.

It was quite a while before they climbed out of bed and put them on the next morning.