Rating: PG-13, mainly for darkness
Feedback to: potterwitch@ hotmail.com here (LiveJournal comment)
Pairings: Sirius/Remus, Lily/James

This fic is dedicated to Jess.

 

The sky was grey over Azkaban.

The sky was always grey over Azkaban. And it was almost always raining. A thin drizzle, lurking like soft mist above the sea, dampening the walls and interior of the fortress; a violent electrical storm, the gunshots of thunder and flares lightning adding to the prisoners' misery.

Remus shivered, pulling his cloak closer to his body. He felt more alone than he'd ever been.

It hit him that they were the only two left. Remus and Sirius. Sirius losing his mind locked in Azkaban, Remus losing his sanity locked out.

Summer. Last summer, a few weeks before James and Lily's wedding.

'…so they're getting married in the little chapel after all, like she wanted.'

'Idiot. What does he want to do that for?'

'Loves her, I suppose.' Remus rolled over and picked a blossoming clover.

'…idiot,' snorted the other boy, grabbing a handful of drying grass and flinging it across the field.

'My my, Padfoot, do I detect a hint of jealousy in your voice?' Remus tapped Sirius on the nose with the clover.

'Gerroff. Why should I be jealous?'

'Why indeed?' Remus thoughtfully sucked the flower, tasting the meadow flavour.

'Why indeed?' repeated Sirius, gently mocking. He punched Remus' shoulder playfully. 'Got you, haven't I.'

That was back when they'd been lovers. Lovers. Remus wondered how the love would exist now—as his love for James existed? Remus loved James' memory, and soon—Azkaban. Azkaban made people go crazy, wilt away, shrieking, into infamy … When Sirius was dead, could he love Sirius' memory as he had once loved Sirius himself?

More to the point, had he stopped loving Sirius?

Autumn. A year before the crime.

'All these leaves are dying. They're beautiful, but they're dying.'

'Moony, Moony, always so tragic, always so poetic…' Sirius put his arm around Remus' shoulders. 'See, what I was thinking was, “I could go through here on my bike and make a lot of noise.”'

The werewolf grinned. 'You'd have to come once the leaves have dried, though. When it's not slippery, so you don't kill yourself. Or anyone else, for that matter.'

'I'm a very careful driver!' protested Sirius. He caught Remus' eye and they both laughed. 'Oh Moony, I won't run anyone over. You can sit behind me, the seat's big enough.'

They'd stopped. Remus turned to face Sirius and held him around the waist, pulling in close and resting his head against the other boy's chest. He closed his eyes and imagined sitting behind Sirius, holding him tight with the wind rushing through his hair…

A blast of wind ripped the hood off Remus' hair, driving cold rain into his face. He shielded his eyes with his hand and looked out to the sea. The enchanted oars seemed to be slowing against the growing waves, and Remus shot a look at the boatsman. The latter shrugged, and shouted something that was lost in the storm. Giving up, Remus leaned back and let his eyes wander up and past the prow of the boat. He stared up at the outline of the fortress emerging ghostlike from the greyness and closed his eyes.

Last year. Christmas Eve, Lily and James' party.

'Th-thanks you, and guh-guh'night!' Sirius waved himself offstage and fell into Remus' arms.

'Mmmoony,' he grinned blithely, 'I know you're… always there to cah-catch me! When I fall! Yeah!'

'Well, hm, yes.' Remus pulled Sirius' arm over his shoulder and staggered. It wasn't just that Sirius was heavy—Remus suspected he'd had a glass or two too much himself.

'I'm falling freestyle! Yeeaahh… like a lemming offa cliff! Lika lemming, right Moony…' mumbled Sirius incoherently.

Remus nodded stoically and pulled Sirius further up. They walked a few seconds, then Sirius stopped. He pointed upwards.

'Look, Moony,' he slurred, 'Mistletoe.'

A mist descended around the small boat like a silver veil, first thinly and then more heavily, cutting them off from the rest of the world. The castle's outline weakened and disappeared in the fog.

'Will we still be able to get there?'

The boatsman nodded, distractedly. He indicated the water as they slid across the waves.

Remus looked over the side of the boat. The waves suddenly stopped inside a wide circle they were now entering, and the water, black as onyx, mirrored the werewolf's careworn face up into the greyness above him. Remus shivered.

'We're entering what is known as the Circle of Influence,' explained the boatsman tonelessly. 'The Dementors—'

'—start influencing how we feel,' finished Remus, understanding. The shimmering darkness from the still water was reflected in his eyes.

Finally, the boat hit the mooring posts, and Remus stepped clumsily out onto the rocks, grabbing one of the wooden stakes to steady himself. A black-cloaked wizard with a brightly coloured oversized daisy sticking out of one of his pockets met Remus off the boat.

The Change after the Spring Equinox moon had been particularly hard. Remus woke up with dew cold on scratches still leaking blood. They were in the middle of a field—Moony and Padfoot, together after a night of stalking the shadows and crying at Earth's satellite.

'Sirius…' he turned his head to the side and felt the other man's hand stroke his hair.

'Shh. It's alright…' Tenderly, Sirius edged closer to the werewolf, careful not to aggravate the bruises on his lover's skin. Remus shivered and pulled closer into Sirius' arms, ignoring the dull and cutting pains this provoked from his wounds.

Settling down, he whispered, 'I love you.'

Sirius plucked a daisy and put it behind Remus' ear before kissing him deeply, as if there were no tomorrow.

'I love you too,' he whispered back.

The wizard smiled at him, waving cheerily but almost intrusively, as if to break the visitor's trance. He followed Remus's gaze to the flower and explained jocularly, 'We try to keep cheerful.' He held out his hand to the werewolf. 'Elias Castalan,' he introduced himself.

Remus shook it, and almost immediately a searing pain shot through his hand. He pulled away quickly, and looked down to see a silver ring on Castalan's second finger. Castalan looked darkly at him, his face tinged with fear.

What does he want to do that for?

'Do you have clearance?' he demanded.

Remus nodded. It had been hell at the Ministry, but he suspected that his pass had been provided by some officials who would be only too happy for a werewolf to have an… accident with a Dementor at Azkaban.

…always so tragic, always so poetic…

'In order,' grunted Castalan, after scrutinising the papers. 'Follow me.'

Every step closer to the castle darkened the skies above and the shadows in Remus' mind. The burn on his hand throbbed as memories flooded Lupin's head, memories he didn't want—not now, when everything was so hard already—

Catch me.

There were only a few more steps to go. The door was tiny, as if it had been made for a child.

Remus' legs grew heavier as more doubt crept into his heart. The few yards looked like an eternity.

They reached the door. Castalan, with a somewhat macabre flair, flung it open.

A wall of darkness.

When I fall…