Spoilers: Not really, but reading book five might help understand some things.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Not mine, all characters copyright JK Rowling. No copyright infringment intended, no profit made.
Notes: Thanks for my great betas Kathryn, Madam Minerva and Beatrice! All mistakes are mine, since sometimes I just can't take advice.
Warnings: Attempted suicide.
Feedback: globuuli@yahoo.com

 

The Christmas holiday had emptied the castle after breakfast and so Sirius was alone in the cosy Gryffindor common room when the screaming started. For a moment he couldn't decide whether to go see what was happening or run in the opposite direction. After a short hesitation the Gryffindor spirit won over and, heart pounding, he started towards the sound – up to his own dorm. He knew the only person in the dorm was his annoying twit of a classmate and couldn't imagine what could be making the sound that was freezing his blood. When he threw the door open he couldn't hear the bang it made hitting the wall over the noise that echoed in the room. On the floor between two beds, Remus Lupin was writhing and screaming, a dagger buried in his stomach up to the hilt.

Sirius stood stunned at the door, staring at the display before him. It was only when the one other remaining Gryffindor, a fifth year prefect, almost ran into him that he snapped out of his horror. Shakily he stepped into the room and dropped to his knees next to his classmate.

"Remus…" he whispered.

"I'll get Professor McGonagall," the prefect said and dashed away, leaving Sirius fumbling, trying to think of something, anything to do. There was a puddle of blood already, but nothing to explain why the other boy was in such great agony. Sirius didn't know what to do and was deep in panic by the time the professor arrived, followed closely by Madam Pomfrey.

McGonagall had hardly knelt by Remus's side, before she gasped "It's silver, Poppy," going almost as white as Remus. Then she simply lifted the boy into her arms and they disappeared so fast Sirius almost thought they had Disapparated. He knelt there, staring at the blood on the floor for what felt like hours, not thinking, still almost hearing the cries. Not until the prefect crouched next to him and laid a hand on his arm did he realized there was a house elf in the room, waiting to clean the floor.

The prefect asked if he'd like to go to the hospital wing to wait for the news and, before he had time to give any conscious thought to the matter, he found himself nodding. So a while later he found himself in the waiting room, staring at the sterile white wall, not thinking as much as watching from the sideline as the thoughts churned almost with a will of their own.

An empty bed in the dorm again - "His mum must be seriously ill, he visits her every month."

Horrifying cries, like something was eating him from inside - "It's silver, Poppy."

A Slytherin-induced ‘accident', the cut healing in a couple of days - "I just heal fast."

A small, pale boy wolfing down his third helping - "Don't they feed you at home, Tiny?"

Every month - silver - heal fast - wolfing… Wolfing…

***

Sirius only realized he had fallen asleep when he awoke to Dumbledore gently shaking his shoulder. When Sirius was fully awake, his most urgent question was answered before he could even voice it. "I'm glad to tell you Mr. Lupin will be fine, with a little time," the ancient wizard said, the crow's feet around his eyes crinkling at Sirius's visible relief. Without another word the Headmaster handed him a plateful of sandwiches and a goblet of juice, silently waiting until he finished pretending to eat. Sirius took his time setting the plate and goblet on an empty chair, then hesitantly lifted his eyes to the ageless blue ones patiently waiting.

"This must be hard for you, but I must ask, since it might help him. Have you any idea why Remus would've done this?" Dumbledore's gentle tone soothed the boy's frazzled nerves and, after a deep breath, he was ready to answer, not even trying to hide the challenge in his voice. "He's a werewolf; most would think that's reason enough."

Dumbledore smiled sadly, thinking for a while before he answered. "Yes, to most that would be enough. But Remus is stronger than that; just imagine coming to this school after years of isolation, knowing you can't make friends because it's too dangerous to let people get close to you." After a pause he continued, "I am quite sure he will keep his reasons to himself; he is used to carrying his burdens alone." Then the wizard was solemn again and his knowing gaze held Sirius breathless. "I can not demand you to keep your knowledge of Mr. Lupin's condition quiet. I can, however, ask you to think things through very carefully before you take any action that will affect Mr. Lupin's life permanently."

His guilt for compounding Remus's already considerable problems kept Sirius from protesting the perceived accusation. The thought of telling anyone hadn't even crossed his mind – and he'd make sure Remus knew that too.

"Remus should be awake by noon tomorrow; you can come back then. The two of you will surely have a lot to discuss. Good night, Mr. Black." With that, the Headmaster stood up and left the infirmary. Sirius followed his example and soon was snuggled in his warmed bed. Still, sleep was a long time in coming that night.

***

Remus woke up, his whole body aching like never before, feeling congested but breathing easily because he was propped up. He had known silver poisoning was a painful way to die, but hadn't imagined it could be much worse than the pain of the Change. He had been very wrong. But it was the surest way for a werewolf and it would've worked if he hadn't underestimated the pain. The sound of movement made Remus realize someone was sitting in a chair by his side. He opened his eyes but didn't acknowledge Sirius's presence, staring straight ahead and watching Sirius warily in his peripheral vision.

"You're a werewolf," Sirius said in a soft, hesitant voice.

Remus refused to face him, preferring the stark white ceiling of the hospital wing to the accusing and frightened gaze of his classmate. From the first day at Hogwarts he had been afraid that someone would figure him out, but not in his worst nightmares had he imagined he would out himself. Well, he hadn't exactly revealed his secret, but trying to commit a suicide with silver wouldn't go past someone as quick as Sirius.

"I'm really sorry. I know I haven't been very nice to you, but I never meant for this to happen!" Sirius sounded genuinely anguished and Remus was surprised to see tears in his eyes when he finally turned to face his saviour with a deep sigh. Without thinking, he reached and brushed the first escaped tears away, hardly noticing when Sirius winced at the coldness of his fingers.

"It's not your fault, not at all," Remus said, still hoarse from screaming and amazed at the direction the discussion had taken; why would a Black care what happened to a werewolf? Sirius made a valiant attempt at smiling but found his resolve breaking. He burst into tears and pressed his face to the mattress at Remus's side. At first Remus fumbled, not knowing what to do, and then settled for putting his hand on Sirius's warm shoulder. He closed his eyes, wondering why he had never realised that under his bravado Sirius might be an actual person, sensitive and maybe even vulnerable. Then again, Sirius had made sure nobody would ever dream that he had this other side.

When Sirius's sobbing began to subside, Remus drew his hand back, feeling awkward. After a moment Sirius lifted his head with an uncertain smile. "Are you sure it wasn't my fault?" he asked quietly. "I mean, I've been awful to you since school started."

Remus closed his eyes, feeling tired again. The silver had taxed his body greatly and, even in other circumstances, this wasn't a topic he liked to discuss. Still, he could only imagine what Sirius had gone through the evening before, finding him like that, and he felt he owed an explanation before he had to leave.

Despite the pain he sat up straighter and looked at Sirius again. "It was just… The Changes have been getting worse since last summer. They say it's because I'll reach puberty soon and that they're bound to get even worse with time. It's been affecting my school work and I don't really have friends to help with the classes I miss…" seeing the stricken look on Sirius's face Remus fell silent and started fiddling with the edge of his sheet. "No, it hasn't been nice, being picked on by you, but we wouldn't have been friends anyway. It's not – safe." Suddenly he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice. "Though it doesn't matter now that both you and Potter know. I'll have to leave. That's what made me panic; what future do I have without my wand, with everyone knowing what I am…" He choked and stopped, turning away from Sirius.

"Why do you think James knows?" Sirius asked carefully after a moment's silence. Remus snorted, then answered without looking at him, "You haven't noticed the long looks he's been giving me, and the book he's reading?" Remus bit his lip, then continued so quietly that Sirius hardly heard him: "'Werewolves: How To Recognize, How To Kill'. Yeah, I think he knows."

Remus was startled out of his misery when Sirius grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look at him. The look on Sirius's face was something Remus had never seen before: a fierce protectiveness. "You're not going anywhere. James hasn't told anyone yet. I know, I'd be the first person he'd tell if he was sure. And if he believes the book, we'll convince him otherwise. You're not a monster and I'll beat the shit out of anyone who says so." Remus slumped against the pillows when Sirius suddenly let him go, a blush creeping up on his cheeks. "I mean… I'd like to be your friend. I'll make these four months up to you and I swear no-one will figure you out if I'm watching your back." Silence fell, Sirius embarrassed from his outburst, staring at his feet.

He didn't lift his head until he felt Remus's hand on his shoulder again. "I'd like to have you as a friend," the werewolf said softly, then lifting an eyebrow added "At least that's one enemy less." Sirius blushed again, but didn't look away. "But despite the evidence to the contrary, I can take care of myself." For a moment the boys just sat there, smiling at the statement which was contradicted by every rasping breath Remus drew.

Then Sirius stood up and said "I'd better go and let you rest before Madam Pomfrey kicks me out. I'll be back later?" He seemed hesitant, still not sure if he was truly welcome. Remus nodded, feeling suddenly exhausted. He watched the other boy walk away with mixed feelings, sleep already starting to claim him.

"By the way," Sirius said, turning back at the door, "Where did you get that dagger? It's not really something a werewolf would own." Remus smiled at the nonchalant way Sirius said ‘werewolf' and suddenly blushed to a deep crimson. "I – ‘borrowed' it from Professor Binns's office yesterday when everyone was at breakfast." Sirius stared at him, eyes wide, then grinned mischievously. "We're going to have so much fun together, Moony."