November, 3^rd, 1975

Today in class, Remus smiled at me. That big, wide grin he has, with his teeth showing. A canine grin. It makes my insides melt. I know, I probably shouldn't admit to that, but it does. I smiled back and he grinned even more, then stuck his tongue out at me. Something about that gesture caused a pleasant tingle to travel down my spine. Am I perverted for getting a hard on when a bloke smiles at me, especially when it's one of my best friends?

This journal will hold my thoughts on Remus, because that's the one thing I can't talk to anybody about. I'd rather die before admitting it to James. Uncle Alphard once said that paper is the best confidante.

November, 5^th, 1975

I catch myself unable to look away whenever Remus changes for the night. It's really embarrassing and I just wait for James or Peter or even Remus to notice and say something. I love to watch when he pulls his jumper over his head and the t-shirt beneath it rises with it. His stomach is really pale and the skin looks so soft there. I wonder what it would feel to my touch, if it is as soft as it looks. I want to place kisses there, tiny, fluttering kisses.

Today, after a silly argument, he tackled me to the ground and tickled me. It was grand to feel his weight on me, even though I was laughing because I'm very squirmish. His fingers poked into my side, danced over my ribs. And then my t-shirt rose, and his fingers touched my skin. The laughter died in my throat. I can't describe the sensation surging through me, it was really weird. I think I sucked in a breath and looked panic-stricken. He stopped tickling me, and sat up, still straddling me, and he looked at me with a strange expression on his face. I hope he isn't suspicious. He got up then, and brushed his sweaty fingers on his trousers, not looking at me. My face was burning, it was so embarrassing. I'm afraid that he doesn't like me anymore, that he thinks I'm a poof, a pervert, a ... I don't know. I don't think that I'll get much sleep tonight.

November, 10^th, 1975

Since walking in on Remus standing under the shower I'm in a constant state of arousal. It doesn't help that I sneak off to the loo several times a day to masturbate. I tried to picture various girls, naked, in compromising situations, I even borrowed a mag from Steven, one of those with naked girls and beautiful motorbikes in it. It doesn't work. The girls. I sit there, with the mag on the ground beneath my feet, working my cock like mad and I can't come. And then, a tiny flash of Remus' wet skin enters my mind and in less than two seconds I splatter my come on the pages. Have to clean that magazine VERY thoroughly before I return it to Steven.

November, 13^th, 1975

Merlin! I don't know where to start. I did the unthinkable. I kissed Remus! It's the day after the full moon and it was a really tough one. He was sleeping while I carried him to the infirmary. Pomfrey had already prepared a bed and I laid him down upon it. She checked him then told me that he needed some sleep and from the looks of me, - I guess I must have looked very concerned - I should stay with him. She left us alone and I sat down on the bed beside him, watching him in his sleep. He must have had a nightmare, because suddenly he cried out and jerked awake. He was shivering, looking at me with wide eyes.

I didn't think then, I leaned forward and embraced him, pressing him to me. He didn't push me away, instead he buried into my arms, breathing fast, chest heaving as if he was about to cry. I couldn't help myself, I started to stroke his hair. I think I was shaking as badly as he was. I feel a bit bad, because I enjoyed holding him, even when he was so distressed, only looking for comfort. He clung to me, his head buried in my shoulder. I tried to soothe him, like somebody would soothe a frightened animal, babbling little words of comfort. And then I kissed the crown of his head. I didn't think. It wasn't even sexual, I just wanted him to feel better. He stiffened in my arms, then drew back to look at me.

I panicked then, but I couldn't even apologise. The words just wouldn't come. He said nothing, but then he leaned forward again, almost snuggling into me. I didn't expect that and I think I must have looked really dumb. I kissed his forehead again, and this time he didn't draw back. I was beyond thinking, I simply placed my lips on his skin. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I placed tiny kisses on his forehead, on his temples, on his cheeks, under his eyes. He was perfectly still, allowing me. And then, our lips met. It was just a tiny, tiny kiss, really. I think I panicked then, because I had to draw back and look at his face. And he smiled at me. He smiled! And then he kissed me. It was better this time, although our teeth clashed rather awkwardly. His taste was nice and his lips were warm and soft. And then he slipped his tongue in between my lips and - Merlin, I really sound like a lovesick fool - it was absolute bliss. I could have kissed him for the rest of my life. We eventually stopped, and he drew me down on the bed beside him, onto the pillow. We just lay there, and then he said, "I was afraid you'd never do that."

He had wanted me to kiss him! For a long time, so he said. And that he was too shy to make the first step, but that he had realised that I've been watching him, and that he had hoped that I would feel this way. We talked some more until he fell asleep. I had to go then, because I had a class to attend, although I would rather have stayed with him. I left him a note on the pillow, because I didn't want him to wake up with me gone.

He just came back from the infirmary, and he smiled at me. A secret smile, something only meant for me. I love his smile. I think I love him.

November, 14^th, 1975

First snowfall today. Remus and I went for a walk. Yes, I know. Awfully romantic. But the weather was so fine and he loves snow. I don't like it that much, but I'm willing to put up with the weather if he grabs my hand like this and pulls me along. It was cold, but he didn't care and I couldn't care less, because his hand was so warm. We ran through the snow and shot snowballs at each other until we were tired. Then he started to chase me - looks like Moony got the upper hand - and then he pounced at me, shoving me nose-first into the fresh snow. I struggled and turned, but he pinned me down, covering my body with his. We started to snog, despite the cold and the melting snow seeping into my clothes. I wasn't really cold anymore with his warm body lying on top of me and the heat that travelled through my body. I got really dizzy, a feeling like being drunk. Dizzy, and hot, and weird. He sneaked his hands under my shirt - had to pull three layers of clothing out of my trousers. His hands were icy cold, but that was the first time he touched something other than my face, my neck or my hands. I always shiver when his hands touch me and I have to breathe through my mouth, because I can't get air into my lungs through my nose.

We were soaking wet when we returned to Hogwarts and Andrea asked me if he shoved me into the lake. We took a shower, but for some reason I couldn't look at him. It just didn't feel right and my face was completely hot. I think he was embarrassed too, because he didn't look either.

November, 17^th, 1975

It's Hogsmeade weekend and we had the dorm to ourselves the whole day. James asked me if I was sick for wanting to stay at home, and when I didn't answer, he suggested that I was surely feeling unwell, because Remus shoved me in the lake. Andrea is such a babble mouth! If she knew!

We lay down on his bed and started snogging. We're doing that an awful lot lately, but it's rarely ever enough! We're spending hours kissing, but it doesn't get boring. Time passes quickly when you're snogging and touching. I have to admit that I run around with a constant hard on in my trousers, but so far, we haven't done anything below waistline. I guess I'm a little afraid of touching him there. What if he doesn't like what I'm doing? What if I don't do it right? He did the most amazing thing today. Pulled off my t-shirt and let his hands travel over my skin. I think my brain stopped functioning when he dipped down his head and kissed my stomach. I had to laugh, because strands of his hair tickled me. He continued kissing me there, then kissed my navel - never knew that area was so sensitive! And then he licked up my chest, until he was lying on me, trailing his tongue around my nipple. He's a bit shorter than me, and our groins were snug together. I could feel his erection pressing against mine through the layers of clothing we were wearing. Suddenly, I couldn't concentrate on my body anymore, I was much too amazed to feel his erection against mine. I think that was the most arousing thing, knowing that he enjoyed it as much as I did. He latched on my nipple and swirled his tongue around it, it was so amazing. I had to buck up into him, I didn't do it on purpose and he growled then, a rather wolfish growl. We continued rubbing against each other. I was way too overwhelmed to get off, but still, it was... I don't know, better than anything I've felt ever before in my whole life.

We were so sweaty afterwards, we had to take a shower, although I rather wish I hadn't, because I could smell his scent on my skin and that was just so right.

November, 18^th, 1975

Gahhh! Received most brilliant blowjob ever! Actually, it was my first. Still, it must have been the best blowjob a man could receive. I love Remus, I love Remus, I love him. My thoughts are a bit confused now, I'm still a bit shaken by that experience. We messed around in an empty classroom after dinner, the one on the second floor that hasn't been used in years. Suddenly his hand was down there, touching me. I was so occupied with kissing him that I didn't realise that he was sliding his hand into my trousers until he touched me. I think I nearly passed out, no, really! He started stroking me slowly. I couldn't get around the concept that there was somebody other than me touching me there. His hand felt really good, warm, a bit sweaty. I didn't believe that it could get any better, but then he pushed me backwards against one of the desks and tugged my trousers down. I felt horribly exposed, with my cock out in the open, so to speak. He dropped to his knees, and that's when I started shivering. He looked up at me, a really strange look which he gave me, eyes somewhere between pleading and desire.

And then he just. Leaned forward. Licked. Oh boy, the memory alone is giving me a hard on. He took me into his mouth and..., well, anyway, it didn't take long for me to come. I wanted to warn him, but it was so overwhelming. His mouth was so hot and his tongue and... I think I'm blushing.

He swallowed. He really swallowed, didn't complain for a second. A tiny bit dribbled out of his mouth and I was completely mesmerised. His tongue sneaked out and he licked his lips, licking the drop away. And he grinned. He had the most stupid grin on his face. I think I had too. I pounced forward, taking him down to the floor with me. For a moment I felt strange about kissing him, I mean, he just swallowed my come. So, I returned the favour.

I doubt I was any good, because I really had no idea what I was doing. I think he enjoyed it, though. He moaned a lot; his moans are so cute and a real turn on. To my shame I have to admit that I gagged several times. My jaw started hurting too. And I nearly choked when he came in my mouth, but I felt it was the right thing to do to swallow too. I think I have to get used to the taste. Even if it's Remus, it's just... I expected a different taste, less bitter, somehow more... tasty, I guess. No, I never did taste my own semen. Maybe I should have. We couldn't look each other in the eye, afterwards. We cuddled a bit, then we went back to our dormitory soon.

I don't like that he's lying in the bed alone. I remember when we were younger, he would always come to my bed after a nightmare. At some point I was so used to this, I didn't even wake up and would find myself next to him in the morning. James should be already asleep. Maybe I'll sneak into bed with Remus later.

November, 19^th, 1975

I can't believe he said that everything went too fast. He claimed that yesterday was almost a bit too much for him. But - he started it! He was the one to go down on me first! I don't understand him. I think I'm going to sulk for a bit now.

November, 24^th, 1975

We had a snogging session again today, after not speaking to each other for half a week. Can't resist the Black charm, obviously. The kissing was great, wet, long snogs, but when I tried to unbutton his trousers, he pushed my hand away. I tried again, he pushed it away. We played that game for a while, until I got frustrated and stopped kissing him. I think I sulked again, because he sighed and rolled to his side, facing me. "You know," he said, "I really think we should take it slow."

I think I pissed him off by not answering. I think he's behaving ridiculously. He waited for a moment, then got up and left the room. I feel awful, but I'm too proud to apologise.

December, 27^th, 1975

It was a wonderful idea to stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas holidays. Not only because I don't need to spend it with my family - I hope Regulus chokes to death on Mother's Christmas cake! - but because Remus and I have the dorm to ourselves. Did I write lately how wonderful and amazing he is? Well, in any case, Remus is gorgeous. Wonderful. Amazing. Cute.

He's allowing me to go down on him again. I've developed a particular affinity for giving head. He's enjoying it too much to continue complaining about how we're going too fast. By now, I love his taste. I love teasing him, too, until he whimpers or begs. His whimpers are so cute.

Full moon is in two nights. I'm actually looking forward to chasing Moony over the snowy meadows. We're spending our days rather lazily, cuddling in bed, or running around in the snow, or going to Hogsmeade. I adore Madame Rosmerta. I think she has figured out that we're together. Nobody else knows, not even James. Sometimes I feel bad about not telling him, but for some reason I want to keep it a secret.

Today, after a mindblowing orgasm, Remus looked at me with a thoughtful expression on his face. Then he said, "I want to sleep with you." I blinked, it took some time for me to register his words. "Now?" He shook his head and grinned that smile of his. "Why?" I asked, frowning. First he tells me that we're going to fast, then he tells me that he wants to sleep with me? What the fuck? "Because I love you," he said. Just like that. I nearly knocked him out when I hugged him. I told him that I loved him too, and that we had time, that I would give us as much time as we needed. I'm going to regret that later, I'm sure, but at the moment I'm simply so much in love that it hurts.

December, 29^th, 1975

I thought about what Remus said to me two days ago, that he wants to sleep with me. I think I'm afraid. I mean, I technically know how men do it with each other. But that frightens me. I wouldn't admit it to him, but I'm really scared. I can't believe that something as thick as a cock could fit in THERE. Last night under the shower I let my finger touch the place and tried to push it in. It felt strange, not arousing at all. I was a bit humiliated with myself. It's just so tight and I can't believe that it would be pleasurable to have something up there.

January, 1^st, 1975

Talked to Remus about my sex issues. I was afraid that he would laugh, but he simply nodded. He said that the same thought crossed his mind too. It felt good to hear that from him, to talk with him about that.

We agreed to wait until we both feel comfortable with the idea. In the meantime, there is so much else to do. I'm still not bored kissing him senseless or jerking him off. Today we took a shower together. It was wonderful to feel his wet slippery skin sliding against mine. We stood under the shower, embracing each other, pushing against each other until there was no warm water left. I feel perfectly comfortable with him.

March, 25^th, 1976 !!!

Made the most interesting discovery, today: Having something in THERE is ohhh sooo good! Remus and I were alone in the dorm (now that Peter and James know they leave us alone more often) and we were fooling around on my bed. It's wonderful to have him by my side when we're both naked and sweaty and sated. Well, today, he gave me a back massage, because I was complaining about sore muscles (the Quidditch match from Saturday).

It was lovely. He told me to turn onto my stomach and sat astride me, then started to knead my neck. He worked his hands up and down my spine and side. By the time he was kneading my buttocks, I was painfully hard. Magic hands. He was humming, some little tune I didn't recognise, while he travelled his hands over my arse. His hands made me shiver, he touched me so tenderly, so softly, just barely touching me actually. I let him, because his hands felt wonderful there.

He slid them over my skin again and again. I think I just lay there and enjoyed the attention. Then he pushed me around and started to administer the same treatment to my front. I was arching under him - why is it that he's the more active one of us? - and he bent down and took me in his mouth. I love it when he does that. He sometimes looks up at me, while he's doing it and that's so incredibly erotic. But I digress. At one point he slid his hand down and started caressing my balls. That didn't even register, I was so close to coming. But what did register was when his hand slipped lower. I never thought it would feel that good. Remus, well, he placed his fingers there and pushed one in and... it felt incredible. It felt good. Bloody amazing.

Afterwards, I asked myself why I had so many doubts about it. Remus was lying next to me, asking me how it was as if I were his bloody guinea pig. I promised to show him next time. I'm still grinning stupidly, I fear the grin has frozen on my face.

April, 2^nd, 1976

He wants to sleep with me. He wants me! He said so today, and because it's the second of April, it can't be an April joke. He said that if I want, I can be inside of him and if I want him to, he's doing it to me, too. Well, I guess it's the last step in our sexual relationship. We hesitated for a long time, but I think we're comfortable enough with each other now.

I did that thing to him, with my finger. He loved it. Really enthusiastic there. I guess it's cocky to admit that I love it when he calls my name when he comes. It love the sound of it, how he first cries out and then trails off into a long, drawn-out moan when he comes down. Just for that noise I love him. Just for the way he cries and moans my name.

April 5^th, 1976

I had this whole romantic evening planned, but the evening went down the drain. Dinner? Rosmerta was ill and gave the kitchen over to her kitchen aide. The result? Inedible. On our walk home, Remus stumbled (we both drank a bit too much, to compensate for our nervousness and because the food tasted so awful and we wanted to drown away the taste of burnt beef) and fell, spraining his ankle. Then it started raining, no, not raining, it pissed cats and dogs. I put my arm under his shoulder and dragged him along. Soon we were both soaking wet. When we finally reached Hogwarts, the mood was gone. We just went upstairs, took a shower and then huddled together in bed. Remus fell asleep very soon and I lay there, feeling really dumb and sorry for myself. I'm such a stupid, unlucky sod.

April, 17^th, 1976

I did it! Sirius Black just had sex for the first time! Sirius Black and Remus Lupin did the deed. In other words, they shagged! Sorry, I'm completely ecstatic, although I'm a bit sore. Don't know if I'll be sitting much in the next few days.

It just happened. It was yesterday evening, when James was out chasing some skirt and Peter was in the infirmary (poor bugger got the flu). I remember that Remus told me some time ago, how afraid he was about his first time. It was good to hear him say he was afraid, because I was too.

Well, it wasn't all that perfect. The actual excitement was doing it at all. All the time I was thinking, "Oh Merlin, I'm really doing it, I'm having sex." That was about the only thing I thought. I couldn't really concentrate on the pleasure itself, I was simply grappling with the concept that Remus was inside of me (and still trying to get used to it. Bloody hell, it hurt!)

It was really awful when he pushed inside me. I thought I would pass out from the pain any moment. He was trying to be gentle, but I guess we were both too nervous and our lack of knowledge wasn't helping. I bit on my hand, I didn't want him to hear me cry out. When he was all the way inside, he stopped and rested his forehead on my neck. He was panting and murmuring. And then he asked if I was okay. I nodded, despite my bleeding hand. I guess he was very gentle. Still hurt. It was incredible feeling him moving inside of me, above me. The pain lessened a bit and I was able to enjoy it. There's one place where, when he touched it, I nearly exploded. I think I've never come so hard in my life.

Later it was my turn. I tried to be really gentle, too, prepared him thoroughly. I bet it was painful for him too, but like me, he didn't utter a sound. I was shaking when I placed myself at his entrance. It was different from what I thought it would be. Tighter. Hotter. It completely overwhelmed me. It's embarrassing, but I didn't last that long either. I tried to make it good for him too. I know he came, but I guess he had his share of pain too.

Hope the pain goes away. It really takes a lot of fun out of having sex.

April, 19^th, 1976

We slept with each other again in the Prefect's bathroom. We took a bath together and like often when we're together, we started snogging in the tub. I love it when his body is all slick and wet and warm and slides against mine. At one point we were both so aroused that it was almost painful. I asked him if I could take him, and as an answer he simply turned around and offered me his backside. His gorgeous backside.

For a moment I simply stared, actually I almost thought that he would refuse, but he didn't. Simply turned around and then looked over his shoulder, giving me such an indescribable look... When I touched him, Remus started to make those small, impatient sounds, encouraging me. And oh how his voice, his little moans, encouraged me! I took my time preparing him, I didn't want him to feel pain again, so I went very slow, stretching him with my fingers until he squirmed under my touch, pressing back against my hand. I slid into him, it was so much easier this time, but just as amazing!

I started to rock slowly into him, gripping his hips to steady him. Each of my thrusts wrenched a moan from him and I, too, moaned, a whole concerto of moans echoing from the bathroom tiles. I think the sounds we made were more exciting for me than having him around me, although it felt so perfect being sheathed in him. I reached around him, leaning myself over his back, so I could whisper in his ear and take his cock in my hand. He was so hard and his cock in my hand felt so good. He suddenly cried out, arching his back, almost throwing me off, and spilt his load over my hand. His muscles clenched around me, and I followed him. I think I bit his neck, because he has a bite mark there, a row of teeth marks showing.

We slumped into the water together and just lay there, pleasantly exhausted. He managed to pull out from under me - I truly couldn't move a single muscle - and turned around, grinning. Under that wicked grin was another expression, softer, more emotional. He reached up and stroked my face then, pushing my hair back. We kissed again, really slow and sweet. We didn't realise that the water got cold until a while later. We were both shivering when we stepped out of the tub. Now he's sitting wrapped up in a thick blanket on his bed, his hair still dripping, bent over a book. I think he needs to pull up that blanket, I can see my teeth marks glowing from over here.

Sometimes when I look at him, my heart aches. I wonder if we'll have this forever, this excitement and love and friendship. I love him so much. I don't want to lose him. And I want to make love to him again. Or have him shag me.

April, 23^rd, 1976

Life is too good to me. Remus is insatiable. I can't remember how many times we've slept with each other last night. I lost count somewhere at 3 a.m. We have sneaked to one of the empty classrooms on the second floor. Made quite a mess there. We tried... like... everything. Every position, every possible activity.

Merlin, I loved what he did with his tongue. That was simply extraordinary. I probably lost some brain cells. We took turns on each other. Never knew Remus can be such an animal, but then, he is, isn't he? In the end we were both too exhausted to move a muscle. My body was shaking, my legs trembled like mad. Overexhaustion, I'm sure. The last time he took me, the sunlight was already streaming into the room through the windows. I was lying on my back, looking up at him. He was so sweaty, his hair completely damp, sticking to his forehead. I was soaked in sweat too. It's like when you're taking a very long hot bath and you can rub off your skin afterwards. Really messy.

Anyway, he has never looked more beautiful to me than last night. I wanted to lick him clean all over, regardless of the mess, the sweat, the sticky semen. We had to air the room before we left. It practically reaked of body odours and sex. Padfoot loved the smell. He very much wanted to roll around in the smell, soak his fur with it. He would have gone crazy. Gladly, I was too exhausted to go crazy.

I'm sore. I feel every damn muscle in my body. Quidditch practice is a walk in the park compared to shagging all night long. I prefer shagging though. At least you know that you've enjoyed getting those bruises. I slept through History of Magic and Dark Arts. Prof. McGonagall asked me during Transfigurations if I wasn't feeling well and that I looked positively wrung out. Remus hid a fit of giggles and she gave me that suspicious look. Probably thinks that we've been marauding last night. If she knew!

May, 24^th, 1976

I guess I screwed it up. Remus refuses to talk to me after what happened with Snape three days ago. He doesn't want to listen to my explanations. I think he hates being in a room with me. It wasn't my intention to betray him, but he sees my actions as betrayal of everything we had together. I wouldn't ever do that intentionally, I love him too much, he has to know that. He doesn't even want to talk to James, or Peter. He simply ignores -

September, 14^th, 1976

It's the first time since I've started attending this school that I'm not glad that the summer holidays are over and I've returned to school. First of all, I've gotten my own flat and didn't have to live with my horrible family. Thanks, Uncle Alphard, I owe you! Secondly, I'm sharing a dorm with Remus again. As much as I have anticipated seeing him, being with him again hurts more than I've thought it would. I thought I was over him, I thought that I've coped with the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Well, I can't cope. Being around him is like having salt rubbed into an open wound. I still love him and I don't know if I'll ever stop. If I just could turn back time and change everything. I've been beating myself up about it all summer. I tried to floo him, but I lost the courage whenever I picked up the powder and now that I'm with him again, it's even worse. I'm actually afraid to look at him.

September, 15^th, 1976

First full moon of this year. Moony snarled when Padfoot tried to come near him. It was the most horrible full moon night I've ever gone through. Felt like an unloved puppy and spent my night lying on a rag on the other side of the room in the Shrieking Shack, licking my paws in embarrassment. Every time I tried to approach Moony, he growled and snapped at me. Later, Moony left with Prongs and Wormtail, making it clear that he didn't want me to accompany them. Dragged myself back to Hogwarts in the wee hours of the morning. I'm feeling horrible, horrible, horrible.

September, 19^th, 1976

Remus talked to me for the first time since the new school year started. Not much, mind you. Asked me if he could borrow one of my quills. My fingers were shaking when I gave him one and then I cringed, because all my quills have teeth marks. I can't help gnawing at them when I'm thinking. It helps me concentrate. He said thanks and then gave me a tiny smile. Just a little quirk of his lips, but oh how happy did that make me. I beamed back at him, I must have looked like an idiot.

September, 25^th, 1976

It's harder than I've imagined. Last night while lying sleepless in my bed I heard Remus. Like, heard him. He made that small sound, a moan. I couldn't have been mistaken, because I've categorised each of his moans and whimpers. I even know which kind of caresses go with each moan. The one I heard was a nipple-pinching moan. So there I lay pining over him and he was lying in his bed, pleasuring himself. It was torture. The small sounds he made reminded me of how Remus looked when I've been going down on him. His head would be tipped back, lips slightly parted, eyes half-closed.

I was wondering if he was thinking about me or if he had found someone else over the summer. The thought of Remus masturbating while thinking about someone else drove me near insanity. I like to believe that he thought about me, that he would miss me as much as I'm missing him. Maybe I'm perverted, but I'm still jerking off to fantasies that involve Remus. It's like a sacrilege trying to think of somebody else. And believe me, I tried.

I didn't dare to touch myself while I was listening to him. My mind supplied me with pictures of what Remus was doing to himself, worsened by the fact that I really can read his moans. Let him be thinking about me, oh let him be thinking about me!

September, 26^th, 1976

Today during breakfast I caught Remus staring at me with a somewhat focused expression. When he noticed that I noticed him staring, he blushed deeply and turned away. Ha! He was thinking about me and now he's embarrassed! Serves you well, Remus!

September, 28^th, 1976

Thinks are looking up! Caught him staring again and today when we left the classroom, he brushed against me. I felt a tingle up my spine from just that tiny, innocent touch. I hope he felt it too. I think it's time we talked about what happened in May and sort this thing out once and for all.

Later...

On our way to Gryffindor Tower I snatched Remus' arm and dragged him into an empty room. To talk. He actually looked a bit frightened, don't ask me why, I'm not that scary. Well, except when I'm Padfoot, but who wouldn't be afraid of a huge, shaggy black dog? I told him we needed to talk and he relaxed slightly. When he didn't say anything, I simply spilled out my version of the story, all of it. I know I've been whining, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn't help it.

He looked at me for a long time and then sighed. "I've already forgiven you, Padfoot. But I hope you'll understand that things will never again be like they were. Do you understand that?"

I guess I must have looked very pathetic then, because he gave me a small smile. "We're friends, and I'm able to forgive you that stupid mistake, but I don't think we can be together again like we were before this all happened. You understand that, Padfoot, don't you?"

Oh yes, I understand. He doesn't trust me anymore. It took some time to let his words sink in, and then I nodded. Because, really, what else could I have said or done?

But I know he wants me. I just know it. Stubborn bastard!

October, 1^st, 1976

The situation hasn't changed. Remus is still trying not to appear staring at me, when in fact he's eyeing me like a lovesick puppy (no pun intended). James carries this stupid smirk whenever he notices (yes, he starts noticing it, too). He took me aside yesterday and told me that he thinks it's only a matter of time until Remus and I are back together again. He's been talking to Remus a lot lately, and although Remus refuses to answer James' questions concerning me, James believes that Remus still loves me.

Remus and I are back on speaking terms and it's nice to have him back as a friend. There are still some awkward moments between us, but we're working on it. It's good to have my friend back. We've been starting planning some pranks against the Slytherins, who are behaving even more ghastly this year than last term. Remus and I have been assigned by James to search for nasty potions, which means that we're going to spend an awful lot of time together alone in the library, sneaking into the Restricted Section after midnight. Did I mention that I love James? Well, not like that, but he's the best friend a bloke could wish for.

October, 4^th, 1976

Uh-oh... Lost my cool last night. Remus and I borrowed James' invisibility cloak and sneaked down into the Restricted Section to leaf through several of the potion books there. When Remus stretched and reached up for one of those books on the upper shelf and his shirt rode up, revealing his pale stomach and the small of his back plus the swelling of his arse (oh, those low riding pyjamas...) I snapped. Shoved him against the shelf and kissed him. I didn't remember that he tasted that good. Spicy and mint-fresh and sweet. He kissed back, he did. I shoved my knee between his legs, pining him to the shelf.

He succumbed, met my searching tongue with his. My heart was pounding loudly in my chest. He dug his fingers into my shoulder, his teeth biting at my bottom lip. I mumbled against his mouth, stupid things, foolish things, love declarations. "Tell me that you want me, tell me that you love me," I said. He had one of his legs hooked behind my knee. And then, suddenly, he shoved me away with such force that I tumbled back into the shelf behind me. Knocked down some books. He was breathing heavily, staring at me with wide eyes for a moment. Then he ran. Without taking the cloak, without another word, he bolted down the corridor, not looking left or right.

I know he still feels the same for me. He couldn't have kissed me back like that if he didn't feel that way. He still loves me and I have a pretty good idea that he also craves my touch like I crave his. I just need to prove it to him that it's the right thing to do.

October, 8^th, 1976

The last days have been exhausting. I can practically feel the sexual tension sizzle in the air between Remus and me. Looks travel to and fro between us. I can't help smirking whenever I notice him looking at me with that longing expression, as if I were an especially tasty treat. Sometimes I enjoy the tension, sometimes I'm horribly frustrated. Masturbation, my normally successful answer to sexual frustration doesn't really help. I know he's suffering as much as I am, which is strangely satisfying.

October, 9^th, 1976

Remus' strength in pushing me away has faltered! Another night in the library and it was him who pounced at me, knocking me back to the ground. He's been so edgy lately, I'm surprised that he withstood the temptation for so long. Full moon is coming up too and the wolf is always very possessive around that time. He took me right there on the floor, in the midst of strewn books. Practically ripped my clothes off to get to my skin. His weight came down on me, pressing me to the ground. He kissed me wetly, then licked and nipped his way down my chest, mumbling "I want you, I want you. You're right," over and over again. I'm pausing my report to allow myself a smug grin.

He then sat back onto his heels, pulling my by at that time already unclad legs up, resting them on his shoulder. And then he bent down, and nuzzled his face into my crotch, sniffing it like a dog, as if he was relearning my scent. I waited impatiently for him to take me into his mouth but instead he slid down lower and pressed the tip of his tongue against my opening. I momentarily tensed up at the sensation, but he was insistent, applying firm pressure. I remember how I always laughed when he presented his little trick where he touched his nose with the tip of his tongue. I'm never going to laugh about that one again.

He thrust his tongue inside, and although the position was mighty awkward, the sensation was incredible. Needless to say that I couldn't resist the assault of his tongue for long, especially not when he reached for my cock. I swear, he thought about that scenario in every detail. Had it probably all planned out, bastard. I know my Moony. He used my juices to lubricate his cock, then lowered me down, sliding two of his coated fingers inside of me. I think I cried out and begged him to take me. He was probably impatient as well, because he didn't prolong his preparation, but slid inside of me with one single thrust. Didn't hurt a bit, although it has been a while. I was so yearning to feel him inside of me. At some point he picked me up, pulling me into his lap, showering me with kisses while he kept up the steady rhythm of his hips. My heart wanted to burst with joy and love and arousal and I pushed him back, plastering myself over his body now in return, rubbing my cock against his stomach while he thrust up into me. We came almost together and I had to clap a hand over his mouth to keep him from waking the whole castle. Merlin, how I've missed that howl of his! We sagged down on the ground together, me on top of him, a sweaty, smelly, but awfully happy pile of puppies.

He kissed me again and again and told me he loved me and that he'd missed me so much and that he wanted us back together. I could only agree to everything he said.

I got a hard-on from writing that, but now that I've got an outlet for my sexual activities, I'm not complaining. Need to find Remus and shag him silly.