Dead Everywhere

Author: L.M. Griffin
Rating: PG-13 (implied m/m sex and flirtation with death)
Crossover: Harry Potter/Discworld
Pairings: Remus/Sirius, Discworld Character/Discworld Character

--

'Oh Merlin.' Sirius Black thought to himself as he stared at the cowled, skeletal visage before him. 'I'm dead. I'm really dead. All I did was fall through that damned veil, but whatever was behind it must have been bloody horrible because I am FUCKING DEAD DEAR GODS, Oh Moony, Oh Harry I'm So Damned Sorry for this I hope you forgive me some day...'

ER. EXCUSE ME.

'..and Snape, you old bastard, I should have apologized before I died, I should have, it was my fault (probably) that you became such an utter wanker..'

Somewhere, a cool, dry voice spoke, "Pardon me."

'...and ..and .. eh?' Blue eyes met the deeper blue eyes of Endless Infinities, as the cowled spectre before him lifted, not a scythe, but a tea spoon.

AH, YES. GOOD. YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION. WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY GETTING YOUR ELBOW OUT OF THE BUTTERED TOAST?

Suddenly, abruptly, Sirius realized that he was not exactly in the most ideal place to die. In fact, it appeared he had landed in the middle of an elaborate set-up table for tea, and his elbow was indeed in the middle of a rather large platter of buttered toast. Still staring at the Grim Reaper before him, he lifted his elbow up, and moved gingerly into a seated position.

"Rather garrulous fellow, isn't he." The dry voice continued, and Sirius turned abruptly about to stare at -- at -- Snape's older brother? The features were the same - sharp and intelligent. But where Snape always held a greasy sort of look, Sirius suddenly doubted the man before him was nothing less than completely neat and sharp about the edges.

Like a well organized Muggle clock.

Or a hidden dagger, up someone's sleeve.

The man smiled at him, blue eyes that seemed to look through Sirius's skull and pull out his thoughts, as he leaned back in the chair opposite, in his ...black silk pajamas. His fingers went to rest against one another as he continued speaking, "You always do find the most interesting people showing up for breakfast."

HAVELOCK, ENOUGH. The ...Voice said behind Sirius.

"I am doing nothing, Death." The man named Havelock said, eyes flickering something deep with the machine of his mind, but what it was Sirius couldn't tell.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE 'WITTY' TO OUR GUEST.

"Death..."

NO. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. THIS POOR BOY FALLS INTO THE MIDDLE OF OUR TOAST, AND YOU'RE GOING TO 'SUGGEST' THINGS TO HIM. DON'T BE CRUEL.

"The only thing I was going to suggest is that he gets off the table, like a civilized..." Havelock eyed Sirius's clothes for a moment, "Wizard."

"..How did you know I was a Wizard?" Sirius asked, gaping for a moment as words found him again.

The man offered a flicker of bemusement, before answering, "I have a talent for recognizing the telltale signs of anything that might eventually blow up my entire city."

'Ah, and there's that Snape resemblance again.' Sirius thought to himself wryly, as he managed to crawl off the table without knocking over the marmalade. "Listen, I didn't mean to ... ah, interrupt your breakfast. I just -- am I dead?"

There was a moment of tense silence.

"You. Promised." Havelock said, his voice going silky soft.

...HAVELOCK, I SWEAR I DIDN'T.

"After all the grief you gave me about taking a few days off, 'GET AWAY FROM WORK, IT WILL BE THE DEATH OF YOU', and I swore that I wouldn't send clacks back to make sure Vimes was wound up properly.."

HAVELOCK, THIS ISN'T WORK. THIS IS A MISTAKE.

"I am not a mistake." Sirius growled, as he brushed off crumbs from his elbow and sighed at the butter. "What I am is very confused."

Havelock was pointing with his butterknife, something that made Sirius vaguely uneasy, at the cowled figure across the way, "I rearranged five Guild meetings. Had Drumknott in near apoletic fits by telling him I would be indisposed. I even left Leonard to his own devices, and you -know- how that turns out."

HAVELOCK, DON'T BE CROSS WITH ME. NOT ON MY HOLIDAY.

"Well apparently Death never takes a vacation, does he?"

"EXCUSE ME. RATHER NOT SURE UNDEAD WIZARD HERE!" Sirius bellowed, picking up the domed top to the eggs and banging on it a little, "Would you STOP fighting like a - a - well, like Remus and I and would you tell me if I'm dead or not, because if you're Death I would like to know if I'm going to the big glowing light or if I get to go home to my Remus because frankly, this is a little too surreal for me!"

He panted for breath, as the two figures at the breakfast table looked at him blankly for a moment, then looked at one another. Again, Havelock twisted the butterknife in the air in a way that made Sirius want to duck, his voice deceptively mild. "It seems you have a serious problem, Mister..."

"Black. Sirius Black." Sirius said quickly, shifting closer to the cowled figure. He'd think on it later how he found Death less unnerving than the thin, pale man who played with his silverware in threatening ways.

"Ah. Hahah. Well. It seems you have a serious problem, Sirius Black." Somehow, the pun wasn't as much lamely amusing as it was a promise for a slow and painful death. With something slow and painful involved.

"All I want to know is if I ... I want to know what happened. To me. To Remus and Harry." Sirius sighed softly, dropping the plate covering to the table.

He thought he could see a symathetic flicker in the depths of Death's skull. THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT. FAMILY?

"Lover and godson. The only real family I have left." Sirius answered truthfully, as he watched Havelock's face shift, but the man did not say anything else.

SIRIUS BLACK ... Death rose to his full height, and if Sirius could believe it, he could swear there was a faint frown to the skullshead. SIRIUS BLACK, SIRIUS BLACK. THE NAME IS NOT STRIKING ANY BELLS. The bony fingers flexed in midair, and a thick red book appeared within their grasp. The cowled figure bowed his head over the book, flipping through pages rapidly, and after a moment Death lifted his head. JUST OUT OF CURIOUSITY, WHAT PART OF THE DISC ARE YOU FROM?

"Er, Disc? I'm from England, mate." Sirius said, moving over to Death's side. "More specifically, England."

Death stared at Sirius. Sirius stared confusedly back. Then Death heaved out a sigh from the depths of his anapormorphical soul. BLOODY STUPID TROUSERS OF TIME AGAIN.

"Again? Oh my. This is a problem." Havelock rose in one smooth motion, moving over to the other side of Death.

"Er, why would there be issues with a pair of trousers?" Sirius asked, baffled beyond belief.

NOT JUST ANY TROUSERS. THE TROUSERS OF TIME. Death explained. YOU SEE, THERE ARE MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES WHERE YOUR PATHS CAN TAKE ONE OF TWO WAYS. YOU CAN DIE, OR YOU CAN MAKE THE ONE CHOICE THAT CHANGES THAT AND YOU LIVE, BUT IN ANOTHER LIFE, YOU DIED. AH ... HERE IT GOT A LITTLE COMPLICATED.

"Just how complicated are we talking about?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

Death shifted his tall form uncomfortably. WELL, YOU DIED. BUT NOT IN THIS REALITY. SO TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE NOT DEAD, BUT SINCE YOU'RE DEAD HERE, YOU'RE DEAD EVERYWHERE.

Sirius suddenly had the urge to pick up the eggs platter top and start beating it, against his own head. "So does this mean I'm dead, or I can go back and make myself alive again?"

I'M, AH, NOT ENTIRELY SURE.

"How can you NOT be sure! You're Death! That's got to count for SOME kind of certainity!"

YES, YOU WOULD THINK SO, BUT MODERN MEDICINE AND FIFTH-DIMENSIONAL PHYSICS ARE REALLY MAKING A MESS OUT OF MY DAY JOB.

Sirius's head met the table several times with aggrivated thumps. Havelock watched him dispassionately, and then heaved out a sigh. "Please stop that. You're sloshing the juice everywhere."

"What. Would. You. Propose. I. Do. I'm. Practically. All. Dead. Anyways?" Sirius ground out between his teeth.

"Do you have something to go back for?" Havelock answered calmly, arching one perfectly elegant eyebrow.

Flashes of Remus entered Sirius's mind - the way he would twist that ridiculous moustache of his around the edges of his fingertips, the taste of salty sweat over his scars, sitting barefoot and barely reachable on a hot summer day as he was reading a book, the way he laughed and the way he lingered in bed with Sirius even though they both said they should get up and get going. The crinkle around those eyes, the twist of those beautiful lips, and the soft way he would say Sirius's name just before coming, oh, coming so hard and so throughly that he always, -always- dragged Sirius down with him.

Harry's face appeared - eager green eyes and a hopeful. wistful smile. The baby, the boy, the young man. He saw Lily and James mixed together to create the perfect them - a blend of Gryffindor pride and passion with a loving temperment.

He swallowed back his frustration, and nodded his head once against the hard wood of the table.

"Good. Then please stop the melodramatics, and tell us exactly what happeneed." Havelock's voice had taken on an interesting focused keen, one well practiced with dealing with impossible problems that just didn't seem that impossible to him.

So Sirius breathed in deeply, and started from the beginning.

Well, not the beginning-beginning, as that would have taken a bloody long time. He kept it to the events of his, well, un-death. His audience listened without making a sound or moving, which normally Sirius would have found unnerving as hell, but he was beginning to get used to their mutual oddities.

That was the comforting thing about insanity. Everything stopped seeming so odd.

"..and then, I was hit from behind by a spell, it wasn't a killing one as far as I could recall, and fell through the veil itself." He finally finished.

Havelock's slender fingers brushed his chin thoughtfully. "This sounds like one of the old Discworld legends, where Humpries the bard led his ladylove out of Death's Domain by playing his lyre."

YOU KNOW, THAT STORY HAS BEEN GREATLY DRAMATIZED. Death grumbled.

"Er, well, as far as I know ... Remus never learned how to play the lyre." Sirius said slowly. "Hell. He had problems with the harmonica."

"Well, what was something he was passionate abou?" Havelock caught Sirius's sudden grin, and sighed, "-Besides you-."

"Ah, well... he loves books." Sirius said, scratching his dark head slightly.

"Books. As in, libraries of?" Havelock asked with sharp interest, and as Sirius nodded his head slowly, "Ah-hah. Then I think I know just the person you need to meet, of a kind."

Sirius frowned, "Of a ...kind? What kind?"

Havelock smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So. You're a.." Sirius took in the hairy orange back of his guide, and finished lamely, "You're a Librarian."

"Oook." The Libririan responded in orangtan. Not that different from dog, really, except heavier on the constants. Sirius was glad for the conversation, after all, he was a bit leery of Havelock's 'L-space' idea.

He had a feeling a lot of people were usually leery of Havelock's ideas. He had another feeling they were carried out anyways. He cleared his throat, and picked back up the thread of conversation, "Sounds like challenging work. Especially in a magical library."

"Oook?"

"Oh, how would I know about those? I'm a wizard."

"Oook!"

"Yes, really. Of course, we tend to use more wands and less blind luck..."

"Ooook."

"I guess it would be a matter of perspective about which way is best -- ah -- speaking of oddness and perspectives -- who exactly is Havelock to be able to get us into a magical University's library?"

"Ook, ook. Ook ook ook."

"Patrician. Of the entire city. That ...doesn't surprise me."

"Ook."

"Hah, yes, I suppose it wouldn't surprise anyone who met him. So, ah, have he and Death been ... er ... "

"Ooooook!"

"Wow, that long?"

"Oook."

"Yes, I suppose a man in his position of power would have more than a few brushes with Death. More than metaphorically speaking."

"Oook?"

"Why do I ask? Well, you see, there's this bloke I know -- bit of a wanker really but after you almost die things come in greater perspective and the best thing I could do for him would be to get him laid. He, ah, rather reminds me of Havelock."

"Oook."

"Yes, it's a small multiverse. I just wanted to see if it was possible for him to meet someone like Death. Well, obviously not -Death- death, just ...ah ... well ...you know what I mean."

"Oook."

"Yes, I agree wholeheartedly. There's someone for everyone in this crazy universe." A vision of messy brown-greyed hair and soft, gentle eyes flickered across Sirius's mindseye. "Someone worth crossing said crazy universe for."

"OokOooKookOook."

"That's beautiful... what is that, Shakespeare?"

"Oook."

"Vimes? Who's Vimes?"

"Oook Ook Ook."

"...Vetinari's Terrier. Ah, that doesn't imply anything...?"

"Ook!"

"Oh, OH, he's married! Well, that's good to know."

"Ook."

"...And he just flirts with Death on a regular basis, there's nothing between the three of them, Ah. Right."

"Ook?"

"I wasn't thinking of threesomes!"

"Oooooooooook.."

"I really wasn't. Not a one. Not a one involving one more than I'm already in. Uh, I mean, er, OH. I think this is Hogwarts Library, thankmerlin."

"Oook, oook."

"Yes, it was a pleasure, er, chatting with you as well. If you ever wander out this way again, we'll have to catch up. Grab a pint and some, uhm, bananas."

The Librarian bared his large yellow teeth in what Sirius hoped was a smile, and ambled back through the Transfiguration section, and beyond. Sirius heaved out a breath, noting the warmness to the air. Summer had indeed come back to Scotland. He made his way carefully towards the front of the Library, his steps cautious. After all, he wouldn't want to startle Flitch into having to hunt him down...

He came around the corner, to a lighted desk with a stack of books and maps resting before a thin, pale man with ...brown-grey hair and scars all along his bared arms. Sirius's hands shook, just so, as he approached from the side, and came around to Remus's front. He gently lifted his hand to brush hair away from Remus's face, making the other man awaken with a start.

Remus blinked. Once. Twice. Sirius smiled, at the bafflement and the slow realization. The hope that flamed and then was thwarted by panic. Remus whispered, "Sirius? Am I dreaming again?"

Sirius made himself take a moment to contemplate this. "Are there any men in black silk pajamas, platters of buttered toast, a orangtan Librarian or a Library that expands across the cosmos?" He paused, "Not to mention a domestic Grim Reaper?"

Remus's brown crinkled in the way that made Sirius want to kiss all frowns away, "Ah, no."

"Good." Sirius said calmly and happily, before capturing his lover's mouth to kiss.